So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
