Don't make out with my wife yet
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
True strength comes from lack of pants
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