you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
