Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
