There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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