I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
