My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
