Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
