My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
