Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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