Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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