I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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