How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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