How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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