My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
