hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
