next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
cat food counts as protein by the way
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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