I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
