I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
