i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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