Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
