I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
