just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
