I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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