he thought i was a dude.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
