You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
