if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
