What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
