I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
