Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
