im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
