somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
