i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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