yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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