Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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