im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
