i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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