he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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