New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Damn victory sex feels great
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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