Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
