so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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