Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
