Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
