I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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