you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
