i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
