I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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