I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
