there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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