Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
im on a boat
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