Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
