I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
