Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
