cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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